I hurt you
by Kizu-89
Summary: I had a bad fight with Riza today..." Roy X Riza, Translated from my own fic satutan sinua to english and it has probably some errors here and there. Suicide attempt and angstiness... No need to be nasty ower misspellings, I warned you about those.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything of fullmetal alchemist

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I hurt you

I had a big fight with Riza today. This is the first night in a long time that she leaves me to challenge the darkness all alone again…

I hurt Riza badly with my words today and the thought that I made her cry makes me feel unbelievable pain. I can't tell for sure where, but it makes me cry with a bottle of whiskey at my hands. I think I might be drunk, but it doesn't stop the things that I have done in the past falling on me like a rock.

It is so hard to breathe knowing what a horrible, horrible man I am… Just how much bad I have done, how many innocent people I have killed…

I am not the person I wanted to be so badly. I don't feel that I have any more a permission to live after killing so many. If Hughes were alive he could sheer me up, but he isn't here anymore… He has been gone for months now. My best friend died too, because I couldn't protect him from those bastards.

I fall asleep and see nightmares of the war. They are still clear as the day, replays of the horrors that I did there and about how those people screamed when I killed them with my fires. I betrayed Riza at the war too, using the alchemy that I promised to use on good purposes only to kill people. Even if I didn't actually have a choice at that.

Why haven't she pulled the trigger?

Stopped this pitiful struggling of a life that is mine and cure this world from a plague. This terrible murderer whose hands are dirtied in blood and boots are dusted with ash. I wake up jolting when the phone rings, I crawl to it and carefully take the receiver of the hook.

For a moment I just listen the quiet breathing coming from the other side.

"Roy, are you there?" Riza's beautiful voice asks via the telephone and I don't know what to say. Her voice hurts me, because I can still remember clearly how she cried when she left.

"Answer me Roy…?" She asks quietly and I guess she is listening when I cough behind my hand, before doing anything else.

"Riza" I say slightly slurring on the name and I bit on my bottom lip. It hurts, it hurts so much…!

"Why do you sound like that?! Did you take something, Roy answer me now!" Riza says and I let out a muffled cry. She is so sharp, always notices if I do or I am going to do something.

"I am so bad person Riza…" I say a little unclearly. I hear how she gasps before taking seat judging from the soft bump that I hear trough the phone.  
"Roy, don't talk like that. I didn't mean those things earlier today." Riza says sounding sad and remorseful. A picture on the phone table smiles at me with Riza's face.

"I am sorry…" I lament maybe pitifully and hear Riza's breath hitch.

"Roy don't! You are not a bad person!" Riza says and tries to convince me that I am good as everyone else. I am not a good person. I am inhuman and cruel murderer.

"I hurt you so much, I am so sorry…" I say to her and hear how the chair she has been sitting while trying to talk to me how good person I am connects with the floor, when Riza pushes it aside.

"Roy don't do anything stupid, I am coming there. Stay right where you are!" Riza says worry resonating in her voice and soon I only hear the line tone. I put the phone back to its place and take the picture of her from the table, holding it tight.

"I am hurting you so badly… but you just insist that I am not a bad person." I tell to the picture and caress it tenderly with my hand. You are better off without me I know it.

I take a paper and a pencil from the phone table and start scribbling fast as I can with my drunken mind. My message isn't pretty or reasonable either; there are just few phrases.

'I don't want to hurt you anymore. I love you and I hope that you can fid someone, who isn't a murder like me. I am just a monster…' It looks horrible even to my drunken mind and I toss the paper away, before writing just one lonely word on the other paper and leaving it on the floor going to my bathroom.

I turn the shower on and put it so that the water is hottest that it can produce. Then I go to my mirror cabinet and seek a bottle that has my sleeping pills in it. I can read the familiar introductions from its side. I still remember that night when you held me after giving me one, at that first night that we shared. After that you always held me if I had nightmares and needed one of these pills to get at least some sleep.

It felt so easy.

I take some pills and swallow them with water from the shower before sitting on the wet floor crying again. I am so cruel to you, It hurts me.

Hot water and the drugs that I took take me slowly but without doubt towards the darkness. It calls for me baiting and wraps its numbing arms around me gently. I don't know how much time has gone, but because I can still hear a crash, likely not too much. Riza is shouting my name and I press my face against my own knees.

" I don't want to hurt you…" I whisper weakly. The door is suddenly pulled open and Riza is there letting slightly colder air in.

"Roy!!" She screams and I can still feel how her familiar arms are wrapped around my shoulders.

"Roy I told you not to… I told you not…!" Riza bellows and I can feel how she tenses. I think she noticed the bottle of the sleeping pills on the floor, few pills still lying around it.

"OH MY GOD! Roy answer me, I already called the ambulance from home and they are coming soon!" Riza tells me and I notice that I can't resist when she lifts my head up.

Worried face, slightly unclear for me but still familiar.

"I don't want to hurt you…" I somehow get said quietly before Riza makes me throw up. I always knew that Riza is a woman that does things and I am not surprised in the slightest at this.

"Roy try to stay awake!" Riza says and stares straight at my eyes serious soothing at the same time my hair away from my eyes. I didn't actually even notice that the water wasn't running anymore. I shudder because of the cold and Riza takes some towels from the rack rubbing me with them. I start to get very sleepy and I can only feel somewhat where her hands are. I fall forward and Riza's hold on me slips so that I can meet the white floor tiles with my forehead.

"Roy?!" Riza says horrified by her slip up and that I didn't try to prevent myself from connecting to the floor straight on.

There is a little stream of blood running from a slight tear just above my brown and I feel how she lifts me gently to lay against her shoulder and how her smooth hands worry the little wound with towels edge. Then I hear how the ambulance team arrives. Riza doesn't want to let me lay on the wet floor and doctor starts examine me at the same time that the other asks questions from Riza.

"He needs IV." The doctor says and soon I have a needle and tube taped on my forearm. There is an injection of a little clear substance too.

"Roy! Roy!" I hear Riza yell when I slip to darkness. There it is warm and I feel kind of good…

Riza lets the doctors put Roy on the stretcher and start carrying him towards the ambulance following behind. Was this just for what she said earlier when they were arguing badly?

Riza is the only one that notices two papers on the floor and takes a look at them. She reads the one with few sentences first. Suicide message…

On the other paper there are just a word: ' Sorry.' Riza scrunches the papers and walks quickly to the ambulance, getting in to make sure that Roy is taken care of.

"Roy, You didn't hurt me at all…" She says to the unconscious man.

In the hospital everything is quiet and the stench of disinfects is overwhelming. Riza follows closely the stretchers that are used to transport Roy to room. His clothes are changed to hospital gown and slight trousers. Heart monitor is put on him and the machine sports a beeping voice that follows his pulse.

"I am going to tell you straight miss Hawkeye. Colonel Mustang is suffering from a very bad poisoning and is in a coma from the overdose he took. It is a miracle that he isn't in the morgue yet. Don't hope too much." Doctor says being kind of cruel and goes to tend some patients that still have more hope of surviving to tomorrow, leaving the crying woman holding the hand that so gently caressed her cheek at that same morning.

"Please wake up Roy… Wake up…" Riza pleas, trying not to sound so desperate, but failing to hide her emotions. The nurse comes and changes the IV bag before adding an oxygen mask on mans face. It gets foggy when a gentle breath touches its surface. .

Only a few days after that a line comes to the heart monitor making it beep loudly and the regeneration is started just five of clock. Half an hour later the heart beats on its own and Riza Hawkeye is called to the hospital. They tell her not promising anything that not a single doctor thinks that Roy Mustang will live to the next morning. She stays up holding his limp body against her talking to him about what they will do after he is okay again. Sometimes his pulse drops and sometimes speeds up. In the morning he is still warm and perfect against her like always. The doctors warn Riza again, before leaving her to brush his hair with her fingers. There is no reason to believe in miracles.

After a week Riza looks at the slowly opening dark eyes and smiles gently.

"Roy… You never can hurt me if you live." Riza says and kisses tenderly man's face time or two surprised by the tears that slide down his cheeks like the rain.

"You didn't let me to sink…" Roy says in a weak voice and Riza smiles again.

"I will never."


End file.
